Paperless Toilet Hygiene

I recently viewed a video, in which, the speaker made the claim that Americans use 13 billion pounds of paper towels in a year. He said that we should modify our hand drying behavior to use only one paper towel to dry our hands. This would reduce consumption to 571 million pounds of paper towels per year. The man demonstrated how to shake wet hands over the basin 12 times before drying them in order to need only one paper towel to finish the job.

This idea started me thinking. What about toilet paper? I have to believe that there potential to reduce toilet paper consumption, too.  I can’t imagine a person shaking their butt 12 times over the commode and wiping with only on sheet of toilet paper. Nonetheless, this has to be a possibility for saving some trees.

The fact is that the average American uses approximately 50 lbs of toilet paper per year. That is, no doubt, going to vary some between wadders and folders. The solution would be to get everyone folding their toilet paper instead of wadding it because wadders, not only waste toilet paper, the plug up toilets.

Even the folders could cut back on usage.  It only requires six sheets of toilet paper, neatly folded into the size of one square, to do a sufficient wipe. Most folders probably use twice that amount. Wadders, well... let’s just say that they’re way over the limit. This is evident by the need for Roto-Rooter whenever we have certified wadders for house guests.

I know that there will be concern for a finger making a poke hole in the folded paper with only six layers.  Trust me, though! It works. If it doesn't then relax! That’s why there are basins in the restroom and, of course, you wash your hands anyway, I hope. If you’re truly having a serious problem with your fingers poking holes in six layers of paper then you might consider trimming your nails.

The truth is that I've seen nails on people who should be required to have a permit for carrying weapons. Seriously, I have to wonder how some people can wipe their butt without removing hemorrhoids at the same time. They wouldn't dare pick their nose with those finger spades unless they are up for a lobotomy.

I read an article a long time back, written by a homemaker, who kept clean rags available for her family. She kept an ample supply of wipe rags in a basket on the wall and in reach of anyone on the throne. Used rags were tossed into a pail, which had a lid and sat beside the toilet. The soiled rages were laundered regularly and returned to the basket for reuse.

My fear would be of house guests or visitors, who might, out of habit or ignorance, drop the rags into the toilet and flush them. If the rags made it through the sewer system then the next worry would be more frequent cleaning of the septic tank.

Another possibility would be that grandchildren may not fully understand the process. With my luck, I’d be the first one in behind one of them who put a used rag back into the basket on the wall. That could be some nasty crap to handle.

A bidet would allow a person to do the job without any paper or rags. I don’t think that I could get used to that though. There is just something about having warm water squirting on my blow hole that doesn’t seem appealing. Then you would have to use paper to dry off anyway unless the bidet also included a warm air blow job.

Another possibility along the same line as a bidet would be to sit right down into the water of a toilet basin. A lot people don’t know it but when you poop with your butt under water you don’t need to wipe. You only need to dry off. Think about it. Fish don’t wipe their butts.

Actually, I figured this out once when I was skinning dipping in a river. I had a strong need to push some poop but didn’t have any toilet paper. Then the obvious occurred to me. Fish poop the water so why can’t I?

It worked out quite nicely. The river current acted like a perpetual flush to carry the nastiness downstream. The best part was when I did a reach under, thinking that I would have to do a bare hand scrub. Not so. Like tiny scrubbing bubbles the current had left the blow hole and surrounding area zestfully clean.

I think that if a toilet was designed for sitting in, instead of on, then it would have to have a perpetual flush that would replicate the river current. I made the mistake of doing an underwater discharge in still water once. I ended up with a bunch of floaters that surrounded me. 

When I tried to move away they followed. I managed to escape at all ahead full and left them in the wake. For a minute, though, I felt like I was in a world of shit.

There is one strong warning that I should offer in case that you ever want to try pooping with the fishes. Watch out for aquatic critters that live in the shallows along the water’s edge. There are critters that make their home along the shoreline that you don’t want thinking that you’re something to nibble on.

Man or woman, I have to believe that there are some things that you just don’t want nibbled on,  by aquatic critters, when you’re skinny dipping. There just has to be an easier way than a crayfish pinch to get a vasectomy. Can you imagine the genital modifications that a snapping turtle could do for you? 

It reminds me of those goobers on the National Geographic channel who go noodling for catfish. They never go noodling without their pants on, though. As stupid as they might seem, they know better than that.