Monday, May 13, 2013

Frog Day is a Good Thing?

A friend of mine recently told me, via an email dialogue, that May 13 is Frog Day in Feng Shui. I have no idea what Feng Shui is and she didn't offer an explanation. My first guess was that it might be a city in China. My second thought was of an eastern religion or philosophy.

Regardless of my ignorance of Feng Shui, the strangest thought popped into my mind. It was the question of whether Frog Day was a good thing or a bad thing for frogs. There are various rattlesnake celebrations that occur in different parts of the American southwest that are best avoided by rattlesnakes.

The celebrations vary but one consistency is that a lot of snake skins get turned into belts, boots and hat bands. Not only that but snake flesh is marinated or seasoned and cooked over a roasting fire. It just doesn’t sound like a very good celebration, in which to be, a rattlesnake.

 If I was a rattlesnake at one of those celebrations, I’d be hanging over the top of a billboard that depicted cattle grazing in a pasture. Whenever somebody came within shouting range I’d be calling out to them.

“Eat more beef!”

If that succeeded in getting attention then I might add another line.

“Beef hide, it’s what’s for belts and boots!”

Anyway, back to Frog Day. I just happen to like eating frog legs. I don’t do it often but when I do I have this indelible image that surfaces in my mind. It is a visual of disabled frogs leaving the frog leg processing facility on stretchers and going next door to get fitted with prosthetics or get a free wheel chair. Yeah, I know. Call me twisted.

You know, if I was a frog in that condition, I’d want some way to get around. You can’t just give up on life because you lost your legs. Besides, Obama Care will pay for it.

As a frog, I don’t know if I could get used to prosthetics  though. A frog has enough trouble with bumping his butt on the landing anyway. Prosthetics might have a tendency to trip you up or make you tumble and poke yourself in the eye.

I think that I’d prefer a custom wheelchair with the option of an amphibious travel mode. It couldn’t be that hard to make an amphibious model. Just set it up with an inflatable artificial lily pad that blows up underneath of the chair. Why would you want to hang around on land, with a bunch of ugly toads, all of the time?

Even better, Hov-a-round might get in on the market. The unit could be powered by a lithium-ion battery that could be charged by day via a solar collector. The chair could have all terrain tires in case that you wanted to visit the toads in the backwoods once in awhile. Best of all, when in the aqua mode, there could be a battery-powered mini Evinrude for fast get away from predators. Heck, maybe a dive mode could even be an option.

It would be great to see some Frog Day veterans hanging out on the convalescent’s pond in their hi-tech Hov-a-rounds. They’d be sipping lily liquor and tongue-snatching mosquitoes from the air while they all told their individual war stories. Embellishments to the stories would be allowed, of course.

“Yeah, I lost both of my legs in the summer of ’98 in south Florida. Them damn crackers was braving the mosquitoes better than we thought that they could that night. Took us totally by surprise, they did.”

“Mine was in the spring of ’07. I was living up north.  I had just come out of hibernation. Damn kids were fishing for crappy. They saw me while I was just trying to take in some fresh air. It had been a long winter on the bottom of the pond. Next thing that I knew, they had me in their fish net.”

“That’s what you call getting out of bed too early.” The first frog chuckled at his own remark.

“Yeah, but the worst of it was that them kids didn't know what they was doing when they took my legs. I ended up losing my ass in the deal.


  1. Oh, the twisted minds of my friends. Makes me proud!

    1. I tried to respond to this twice while at the doctor's office. I thought that the second one got through but not so.
      Christine called me twisted as she read this but she lost it when she read the last sentence. She couldn't stop laughing for a bit. She is my harshest critic. A story that will make most people spit their coffee into their oatmeal, if they read it at breakfast, will only make her frown.
      Thanks for the read and comment, Rain.