Friday, June 28, 2013

Coin-Op Toilets, Automation and Sex in the Pooper

Public toilets have evolved considerably over the years.  Many of us may be familiar with the public pay toilet.  They have to be opened via a coin actuated lock on the stall door.  Not having the required coin in your pocket and waiting too long to use the toilet would not make for a comfortable situation. 

It might be a goldmine for street beggars, however.  Who could turn down somebody asking for spare change outside of coin operated restroom?  Add in a nervous little dance on the part of the beggar and I’d give him a few coins.  That way he’d have a coin for the toilet right at the time, one for coffee afterwards and another in case the coffee made his bladder swell again before he got all the way home.
Pay toilets fell out of favor in the United States with the feminist movement in the seventies.  Women didn't think that it was fair for them to pay for a stall while men didn't have to pay for urinal.  I agree.

Personally, I think that a pay urinal could have been a good thing.  An enclosure could have been built around the urinal with a coin operated little door that flipped open so the guys could insert to take care of business.  What’s even better, the proceeds gained from urinal charges would have higher margins because toilet paper isn't required at a urinal. 

Not only that but, with the enclosure around a urinal, slobs couldn't litter the urinal with their chewing gum and cigarette butts.  Best of all, it would be nearly impossible for the pervert voyeur at the urinal next to you sneak a peek.

Of course the little door on the urinal would have to re-lock on timed sequence in order to prevent cheaters from doing a free pee.  Imagine some guy sneaking in right after you and before the little door closes because he has to go really bad and doesn't have any change. 

You’re washing your hands and you hear a scream as the door slams shut on the poor guy.  Guaranteed, that’s the last time that he’ll ever want a free pee. It might even be the last time that the guys pees from the standing position.

Can you imagine what a good ambulance-chasing lawyer could do with that? Would that be a charge of assault by penectomy? Nah, it would be assault by urinal with the result being a penectomy. The lawyers would figure it out. 

Then this poor guy would have to testify to the intimate details of how his life was ruined. "You'd think that I was nothing but a dog now. Whenever the missus gets really aroused she just keeps telling me to get down. It's nearly impossible for me to climax now. When I do, it's like spitting with no lips."

Hand washing is another aspect of public toilets that has evolved, too.  There was a time when a vandal could leave the water turned on in the basins in order to waste water.  The vandal might even plug the basin drains so that the water would run over and flood the restroom.   A really creative vandal could also be prepared with ducklings to leave on the flooded floor for aesthetic appeal.

Anyway, somebody ruined the vandal’s fun by inventing spring-loaded faucet shutoffs.  You could turn the water on but, the second that you let go of the handle, it would spring back to the closed position.  They didn't have much thought toward handicapped people in those days though.  Could you imagine being a one-handed person? 

You manage to get your pants down, take care of your personals and get you pants back up, complete with your shirt tucked back in.  And, you did it all with only one hand.  However, as can happen on occasion, you perforated the toilet paper while taking care of business.  It’s not real bad but you do have a little smudge on your fingertips.  

Not a problem you think.  That’s what basins are for.  Now how are you going to hold that faucet in the turned-on position and wash your only hand at the same time?  With my luck that would also be about the same time that that my nose would itch. 

Now they've perfected the hand washing experience with motion activated faucets. If you want to have some fun sometime go an international airport and walk into the restroom at the same time as some travelers from a third world country.  Then watch them try to figure out how to turn on the water.

Sometimes automated faucets get a little aggravating if they won’t work properly.  Most annoying is when it works to wet and soap my hands but then it shuts off before I finish rinsing and then I can’t get it going again.  That’s worse than an empty towel dispenser.

Some restrooms don't have paper towels. They been replaced by those machines on the wall that do hand blow-jobs. They don't work well though. They should take them all to congress because they'd be cheaper that what we're paying for the hot air that we get from there now.

We have come a long way toward accommodating handicapped people in public restrooms.  Take for example the low mounted urinals.  Yeah, right!  I have never seen a wheel-chaired person use one of those.  I have to believe that unless they’re far better endowed than I ever imagined being myself then they’re not going to be able to reach that bowl.
I don’t like to use the low urinals myself because I get splash on my pants.  You might wonder how that I know that.  Use one of them sometime with shorts on.  You’ll figure it out. Then you'll wish that they had showers in public restrooms.

Little people might use them though, I guess.  There might be problem if there isn't a partition between the urinals.  A little guy would have to wash his face.  Hopefully the motion sensors work at the basins.

Pay toilets are still popular in some parts of the world.  In Paris they have these structures on the street that look kind of like a double-wide phone booth with no windows.  With my luck I’d be sitting there doing the big job about the same time that Superman was in the neighborhood and needed a changing room.  

Then, of course, he wouldn't need a coin to get in.  There I’d be in all my glory as he tore off the door charged in.  I guess that I’d just say, “Hey Dude!  You have the wrong number.”

Those motion sensors are used to flush toilets now, too.  The spring loaded shut off on the flush handle seemed adequate to me.  I didn't see the need for motion sensors on the toilet.  They can be nuisance too.  Ever tried to do a courtesy flush with one of those things?  You haven’t wiped yet so you don’t want to stand up in order to make it flush.

Somebody figured that out later on.  The newer ones have manual flush buttons on them.  The trouble is that it’s difficult to find the little manual flush button behind you.  When you need to courtesy flush you can’t see exactly what you’re touching.  What if the person before you perforated the toilet paper and then used the manual flush button?  Hopefully the motion sensors are working on the basins.

One thing that really peeves me about public restrooms is the mean and cowardly people that pee on a toilet seat.  There isn't a man alive that shares a private restroom with a woman that would dare do that at home.  If he did he’d be eunuch for the rest of his life. 

Let’s be honest, though, ladies.  There are those among you who will do the same thing.  I have asked women.  They have told me about the hover.  The trouble with the hover is that the woman is too far from the target.  What’s worse, some of them are firing shotguns instead rifles.  Maybe the next innovation in public restrooms will be a radar aiming system for women doing the hover.

Once as I was approaching a unisex public restroom a woman was leaving.  I entered, closed and locked the door, turned around and I got a shock.  It looked like a giant tomcat had come in there and marked territory.

I had quite an experience with an automatic flusher in a public restroom.  If I have to the big job I always go the handicapped stall.  Now before you start thinking poorly of me it’s not like a I took a handicapped parking spot and somebody had to motor their hov-a-round across an five acres of parking lot.  That handicapped person has as much right to wait his turn for a public toilet as I do.  At least, he has a place to sit while he waits.  Besides, I get claustrophobic in the standard stall.  That’s kind of a handicap.

Anyway, I went into the handicapped stall and some coward, who apparently was not yet a eunuch, had peed on the toilet seat.  That’s another reason to use the handicapped stall.  A sink, soap and towels are right there so you can clean up after the jerk.

There were also these tissues in a dispenser on the wall that were shaped like a toilet seat.  I've never used those but then, I thought, what the heck.  I pulled one from the dispenser and unfolded it.  The center was perforated for removal all except for about four inches on the end of the oval shape.  So then I wonder if this goes in the front or back.  

There was no tag on it like you have on your T-shirt. I decided on the front.  My thinking was that they made it this way to protect the knees of anybody who couldn't aim their rifle or who only had a sawed-off shotgun.

I bent down and laid the thing carefully on seat.  The center part stayed attached on the front and the rest fell into the water.  Then I turned around to drop my pants.  The second that I straightened and turned, whoosh!  The tissue seat cover was gone in a flush.

I thought for second and realized that there must be a strategy to using these things.  I dropped my jeans, pulled another tissue from the dispenser, unfolded it and placed it carefully on the seat.  Then, with great stealth, I turned quickly back to forward and started to sit down.  Whoosh!  I was too slow.

At this point common sense might tell most people that this tissue wasn't needed and certainly wasn't important.  For me, however, it had become a challenge.  It was something that needed to be conquered.

I pulled another tissue from the dispenser but this time I lowered myself to the half-hover position over the toilet.  With what was now practiced stealth I placed the tissue on the seat and sat down.  This time I made it.  I had conquered the commode seat tissue.

Now you might think that the troubles were over.  However, after my physiological functions had ceased I rocked over to do the reach-under.  You know what they say about the job and paperwork.  Wouldn't you know it that I was wrong about conquering that tissue?  When I rocked over the tissue stuck like it had adhesive on one side and I had placed it wrong side up.

Now I was faced with the question of whether to reach under the tissue or peel it off and reach between the tissue and my person.  For those of you that do the reach-through, between your legs, instead of the reach-under you probably think that there is no problem.

You go ahead and reach through if you want to.  I’m not taking a chance on soiling certain valued parts of my person.  I can see it now.  I’d be trying to clean up at the basin.  Somebody would walk in and see me with pants around my ankles and the motion sensor wouldn't work on the basin.  Depending what sort of person walked in, who knows what direction that situation might have taken.

Well, anyway, I opted to peel the tissue from my person.  This was a bother but it just felt more natural.  Having the entire job done, complete with paperwork, I stood to pull up my jeans.  Whoosh!  But the tissue was stuck fast to the seat.

I heard a story of two guys that we’re having sex in a pay toilet.  They were charged with lewd behavior in public.  In court, the defense argued that since they had to pay to get into the toilet it was like renting a hotel room.  Therefore it was private and there was not a public display lewd behavior.

All of that aside, I cannot in my wildest imagination conceive the notion of having sex in public toilet.  I don’t care if it’s homosexual, heterosexual or a bi-sexual gang bang.  That is not what a toilet is made for.  I think that I’m as creative as anybody in trying some nontraditional positions but come on.  In a toilet?  There is hardly enough room to turn around and sit, much less, well, you know. 

Then with the multiple toilets that are in a public restroom.  Let’s say, just for a moment, that you and your “partner” are able to get into the mood, get into the stall and contort yourselves into an acceptable position for your desires.  You've mentally blocked out everything else around you and the climax is imminent. 

Then, in the stall next to you, someone sits down with a colon full of their used-up high-fiber diet mixed with noxious gases.  You hear the sounds of these ingredients making a high pressure exit, via the orifice that nature designed for that purpose, into the water below. 

I have to believe that, at this point, your ears, nose and raw imagination are going to override anything else that your body has going on except maybe breathing. And that’s a big maybe on the breathing. 

I don’t care how intense your passion is at the time.  You would be psychologically scarred for life from an experience like that.  So scarred, you might be, that the kitty would never purr again.

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  1. Nothing like a seat cover challenge to make for a giggle. You had me snorting

    1. Thanks, Rain! I'm always happy to give a laugh away. We don't have enough of them sometimes.