Funny as Crap

When my sons were boys we were driving along a main artery street in the neighborhood where we lived. A summer torrential rain had recently stopped and there were puddles of water in low areas of the streets that did not properly grade to the storm sewer system. One such mini-lake was in my path and unavoidable with my right wheels.

I slowed from 35 MPH to about 20 MPH to avoid being pulled toward the curb too hard when the car hit the water. At the very moment that the car was entering the huge puddle, a dog was in the grass near the curb. With his back to the street, he was hunched into the fecal expulsion position in performance of his daily duties of fertilizing the grass with a non-hardening brownstone.

Also at that very moment, every pair of eyes in our car was focused on what was about to happen to that poor dog. As the car broke a path through the puddle an eight-foot-tall wall of water was launched over the unsuspecting canine. There was a turd about half discharged from his anus when the water hit this four-legged fellow.

I can’t swear exactly to every detail of that happened next. However, from the way that the dog bolted I have to believe that this was probably one of the only times in his life that he had the crap scared INTO him. I have no doubt that when the shock of the wall of cold water hit, the dog’s colon caused a reverse direction on that soft brownstone and made a distinct little sucking noise just before the anus slammed shut on the re-entry.

I am going to go so far as to suggest that when that back door closed, it closed so tight that a pinworm couldn't have passed the sphincter in either direction. That dog could not have farted for several days of carrying a belly full of gas induced of cabbage, beer and pickled eggs. So traumatized the dog must have been that, if he was prone to alternative sex acts, there would be no amount of pheromone exchange that could entice a parting of pink under his tail.

My sons are grown with families of their own now but they never tire of hearing or telling this story. For us the incident was funnier than a fart in a spacesuit. For the poor hapless dog it had to be just wrong!