Yes, There Are Stupid Questions

I opened my wallet to instant panic.  The slot for the bank debit card was empty.  I retraced my steps in my mind.  Less than an hour ago I had hurried away from a very busy check-out line at one of those members-only discount stores.  Having paid for my purchase with the debit card, I distinctly remembered putting the debit card into one pocket and the membership card into another pocket.  I always do that to avoid the magnetic strips of the two cards negating each other by touching in one pocket.  Now, the membership card was in the wallet in the same slot where I always kept it but the debit card was gone.

After a futile search, three times repeated, through my wallet, my pockets and every card-eating crevice in the car, I gave up and called my wife.  She had the other card to the account, complete with the toll-free number on the back.  Upon returning to the car after a small cash purchase at the store where I was, my phone rang.

“I called the bank but they insist that you have to call them yourself to turn off the card.”

It’s a joint account.  This makes just about much sense as who is going to hold the remote control for two diehard baseball fans watching the World Series.  Some things simply shouldn’t matter.  I jotted the down the phone number and account number that my wife recited and made the call.

“Thank you for calling the Big Greedy Bank.  For English press one.  Para español, marque dos.  For English from someone speaking with an unfamiliar eastern accent, press three.  For the hearing impaired press four”

On that last sentence I couldn't resist the temptation.  I did nothing…  Seconds passed…

“I’m sorry but I didn't get a response.  Are you still there?  Let me repeat that menu.  Thank you for calling the Big Greedy Bank.  For English press one.  Para español, marque dos.  For English from someone speaking with an unfamiliar eastern accent, press three.  For the hearing impaired press four”

I chuckled when the last sentence was repeated and thought to myself about the Braille keys at the drive-up ATM.  I pressed one.

“Thank you for calling the Big Greedy Bank.  Your call is important to us.  To check your account balance press one.  To access your account press two.  For all other options press three.”

I pressed three.

“Thank you for calling the Big Greedy Bank.  To open a new account press one.  To find a branch or ATM press two.  To verify an account press three.  Otherwise, press four for assistance with the account or ATM card that you are calling about.  For all other options press five.”

I pressed four.

“Thank you for calling the Big Greedy Bank.  If you wish to access your account press one.  If you are calling about a lost or stolen ATM card please press two.”

I pressed two.

“Thank you for calling the Big Greedy Bank.  If you calling about a lost or stolen ATM card please enter the sixteen digit card number followed by the pound sign.  For all other options press two.”

…I pressed two.

“Thank you for calling the Big Greedy Bank.  My name is Richard.  I am here to provide to your needs with the best possible customer service.  How may I help you today, please?”

Richard spoke in Indian accented but almost perfect English.  However, his tone sounded so androgynous that he could have said his name was Rebecca.

“Thank you Richard.  I've lost my ATM card and need to have it turned off.  Then I need a new one issued, please.”

“Thank you, sir.  I am very happy to help you with that.  Please the give me the sixteen digit number from the lost or stolen card.”

“…Uh, Richard… I’m not sure.  Maybe I should have pressed four for the hearing impaired awhile back.  Could you repeat that please?”

“I am happy to help you with that, sir.  Please read the sixteen digit number from the lost or stolen card.”

“…Yeah… well… maybe we should double-click the rewind button for few seconds, Richard.”

“I am here to provide to your needs with the best possible customer service that Big Greedy Bank has to offer.  How can I help you, sir?”

“Before we move on too far, could I ask a couple of questions, Richard?”

“Certainly sir, I am here to provide you with the best possible customer service that Big Greedy Bank has to offer.”

“So…  Richard…  How is the weather today in India?”

“I’m sorry, sir?”

“Uh… never mind.  Do you mind if I call you Rishi… or… maybe Ranjit?”

“I’m sorry, sir?  My name is Richard.  I am here to provide to your needs with the best possible customer service that Big Greedy Bank has to offer.”

“Okay, cool.  Let’s replay some of the previous footage.  I lost my ATM card.  I do not have it in my possession.  Therefore, I am unable to read to you the sixteen digit number.  I doubt that BGB has Lojack on these cards.  If they did then you could zoom in on it from the heavens above.  Anyway, you’re going to need a back-up plan to give me the best possible customer service that BGB has to offer.”

“Thank you, sir.  Can you give me your account number, please?”

“Yeah, that’s OU812.”

“… I’m sorry, sir.  That number appears to be incorrect.  Could you say it again, please?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry Rishi, I was just messing with you.  Try 357384045.”

“Thank you, sir.  And now, please confirm your address.”

“Yeah… uh… 2929 29th Street Terrace, Ocala, Fl 33033.”

“Thank you, sir.  Your lost or stolen card has been deactivated.  Your new card will arrive by mail within seven to ten days.  Is there anything else that I can help you with?”

“I think that will do.”

“Thank you very much, sir.  I am happy to provide you with the best possible customer service that Big Greedy Bank has to offer."

"Hey Ranjit?

I'm sorry, Sir, my name is Richard. Did you need further assistance?"

"Yeah, Rishi... about that best possible customer service..."

"Sir?"

"You might be due for an upgrade."